Guest post: "Rocket Go Boom, but Still an Empty Womb"

-- The following is a guest post from our secret lady friend who chooses to remain 

anonymous until a baby kangaroo is officially put into her mama pouch --

Every month when Flo showed up I had a ritual of triumphantly telling or texting my husband, “Not pregnant!” and he would usually respond with some form of, “Atta girl!” At one point I reflected that someday soon I would have the opposite reaction upon learning that my oven had stayed un-bunned.

Reader, today is that day.

I’ve read ad naseum about pregnancy symptoms—the lower back pain, the swollen and tender bosom, the nipples of unusual color and size, the tendency to hork when encountered with the odors of things like persimmon and beef jerky, odors that used to be so pleasing—and I have none. I’d also long thought that if I was preg I would dream vivid prophecies of my unborn child. Last night I dreamed of dragons. I was fairly certain I wasn’t Khaleesi, but to be more sure I took this quiz on The Bump.

It’s very similar to those quizzes you used to take in YM or Seventeen that tell you if you’re a good friend or if you’re totally stressin’ or if maybe you’re a bit of a sloot, in that there is a very obvious right answer. I forced myself to stay truthful, and got the following result:

“Well, you’re probably not pregnant, but there’s only one way to find out. Hormonal shifts and an increase in blood volume usually cause a woman’s body to change pretty early on in pregnancy, bringing on (annoying) symptoms like nausea, frequent peeing and fatigue. But since you’re not experiencing many of these symptoms, it doesn’t really sound like you’re pregnant.”

The quiz suggested I confirm their totally scientific results with a test, so after a brief consult with Doctor Google I headed to Walgreens to get a three-pack of First Response tests (on sale!), which can be accurate up to six days before your missed period. I stick-peed this morning, when the pregnancy hormone would be most concentrated. After one minute, I was probably not pregnant. After two, it was pretty durn sure I wasn’t pregnant. Minute three rolled around and I was definitely not pregnant.

I allowed myself a few minutes to spiral. “You definitely miscalculated your ovulation. What were you thinking? Obviously you don’t have a 28-day cycle. Way to be dumb, DumbFace.” “Maybe you don’t even ovulate anymore because you were born with only 60 eggs and the last one dropped years ago. Maybe you’re going through menopause. Is this bathroom just really hot or are you HOT FLASHING??” “This is the first milestone on a road that leads to fertility treatments and soon you’ll have sextuplets and you’ll have to buy a new house and you’ll have to become a YouTube sensation so you can go on Ellen to try to get free diapers.”

Then I thought, “Maybe it’s for the best. Your dinner last night was white cheddar popcorn and a s’mores blizzard. If there had been a child in there you would have reduced its IQ by at least half a point.” And also, “Stop being dramatic. Make offerings to a few different fertility gods to cover your bases and just keep trying.”

The injustice of it all is all those years I went to ridiculous lengths to stay barren. At one point with my first boyfriend I was using three forms of birth control! Three! Ridiculous. After watching all these documentaries it seems truly impossible to get knocked up. Even if the stars align and the rocket goes boom within the 2-3 day period when magic can happen, it STILL might not work! How are all these unwanted pregnancies even happening?! Seriously! Tell me your secrets, Teen Mom!

Also, maybe you should try using three forms of birth control.