Ask a Lady Bit: How to handle a serial canceler.

We have had some questions come in via our handy "Ask the Ladies a Question!" feature at the side of this page. Yay!  As you know from our intro post I am very interested in all kinds of relationships. How do we communicate with one another? How do we make these connections with people work? The following is a question regarding an issue I think we all have had to deal with. 

>>What do you do when you have a friend who cancels on you all the time?

Oh Lady, do I ever know how irritating/frustrating/disheartening this can be!  It can make you feel like you aren't important or valued as a friend.

First, I just want to say sometimes there are going to be people in your life that are a little bit flakier than you'd like them to be.  Part of friendship is accepting people's flaws and loving them anyway. Secondly, there is a chance that even if you confront your friend about the issue, and they do become more reliable, they will (probably) always be a little on the "flaky" side and you should be prepared for that. 

I think the first thing you need to decide is, is this friend worth it?  Do they bring something to the table that makes their friendship worth the trouble? OR is it time to just let the friendship naturally dissolve? If you decide to let the friendship go, which can be sad and difficult, remember life is short and your energy is best focused on positive relationships in which both parties are active participants. 

Let's assume you decide they are worth the trouble. In that case I think the best course of action is to talk to them directly.  Real friends do not want to be hurtful, and they may not know that cancelling plans bothers you.  Say something like, "I really value our friendship and I have sooo much fun when we hang out, but I feel like our plans are consistently being cancelled and that really hurts my feelings. It makes me feel like you don't value my time or our friendship very much."  And then I would add a specific thing you'd like to see change (remember baby steps!) such as, "I understand that sometimes things come up, but I would really appreciate it if you could give me 24 hour's notice so that I can make other plans," or "If something comes up and you do have to cancel, I would appreciate if you can make an effort to reschedule." 

Now comes the test. Try to be patient, it might change quickly only to fall back into the same pattern, it might be smooth sailing, or maybe nothing changes (in which case I refer you back to my first question, are you sure they're worth it?). Remember to acknowledge your friend's effort and let them know you'd rather they take the time to check their schedules before commiting to a plan, vs. scheduling something and cancelling.

Good luck!